Divorcing a terrorist is hard. I will give you that. But do you want to know how it can be a bit easier? Be willing to do hard things.
The difference between the successful and unsuccessful people
A willingness to do hard things, without giving too much air time to the drama your brain is going to feed you, is the difference between successful and unsuccessful people. This is not just in a custody battle, it is with any major goal.
Unsuccessful people start out the same as successful people, but they quit when it gets hard. Successful people learn to accept failure as an expected hiccup that is not going to derail their journey.
Do you give up the goal of going to the grocery store to get food when you hit a traffic jam or construction? There is always the opportunity to reroute and keep going until you get the food on your shopping list.
The same holds true for your custody battle. Just because your ex snows the custody assessor, it is not time to throw in the towel if your kids need a different parenting schedule. Keep at it. Keep records, get coached and strategize legally to figure out a different approach to get where you need to go.
The willingness to feel all the feelings
Did you know that really successful people get comfortable with the discomfort of feeling their negative emotions? Feelings like disappointment, rejection, failure, embarrassment to name a few.
Most of us try to run from these feelings. We push them away by buffering with food, drink, social media, sleep or work. We seek therapy to feel better.
I am suggesting that you learn to fully accept and feel your emotions before trying to feel better. Allow them to be there. Describe the sensation – where in your body it is radiating and exactly what it feels like – as if you were talking to a martian. Really focus on the discomfort, marinate in it, and it will dissipate.
Dial down the brain chatter when it gets hard
It is normal for our brains to try to convince us to give up when things get hard. Brains are built to minimize pain, maximize pleasure and run efficiently on old thoughts.
Once you have allowed the uncomfortable emotions, you will be able to see the thoughts that are creating them. Thoughts like:
- the courts will believe my ex
- I am going to spend all of this money and lose
- this is so unfair
- maybe I need to give up
- my ex will be mad if I say no
This is your opportunity to become the boss of your brain. Start questioning these thoughts and beliefs that your brain has on replay.
So what if your ex gets mad when you say no? Why is that a problem? So what if you go to bat for your kids in court and lose? Isn’t this better than giving up ahead of time? Regardless of the outcome, you can always pat yourself on the back for going to bat for your children. No need to regret a thing.
It is supposed to be hard
Divorcing a terrorist is supposed to be hard. It is like getting a PhD in your own personal curriculum. This is your opportunity to evolve as a parent and adult. To learn about boundaries and courage. It is your golden opportunity to have your own back and to be your own source of validation.
Start reminding yourself that it is supposed to be hard. Let it be difficult, and rise to the challenge. You can do hard things. No need to lament and complain about your challenging curriculum. Put on your cape and kick life in the balls.