When you first separated, you thought things could be amicable. A peaceful uncoupling...a la Gwyneth Paltrow. You were prepared to overlook the infidelity, the verbal abuse, and the excessive drinking. No such luck. It seems your ex is not on the peaceful exit train. The ex is on a war path to punish you for having the audacity to stop tolerating the BS. (that no other woman on the...

You got married and had kids. The kids became the epicentre of your universe. You put all your desires on the back burner. Your marriage fell apart, your spouse left, and your family shattered. (Hint - this has something to do with the above paragraph). Now you are a single mom. Your schedule revolves around your children. It’s a big deal to have a night out. You...

My ex had finally left our home. This was 3 months after declaring he had a girlfriend who was "way smarter, way nicer, and far prettier than you" He even showed me bikini photos. (I can't make this up!) She was prettier. She even had a tattoo. I was cocooning at home with my pre-teen son, focusing on keeping him unscathed. Trying to keep his life as normal...

Kate's husband Mark served her with divorce papers 2 years ago.  He then moved into the basement and started living life as a bachelor. He came and went as he pleased. Kate found Mark's profile on Bumble and Hinge. She was devastated. She felt blindsided. Kate asked him to leave but he refused without the promise of a  50/50 parenting...

I like to think that there is an asshole in every human. The potential to misbehave.   I am sure you have participated in conduct unbecoming. Spurred on by particular events or certain people.    Just like a cancer gene, The "asshole gene" can be activated or sit quietly. How you show up in your divorce journey will either activate or quiet the asshole gene in your ex. How...

I have been experimenting with a technique of communication for the high-conflict ex. Employ when you need him to say yes to a request. It is especially effective when your children are asking for a deviation from the regular parenting schedule. I call it the "cafeteria plan."  Here is how it works: Figure out exactly what you or your children want. Clearly ask for that...

If you are divorcing a narcissistic ex, you better buckle up.   Without adequate armour,   you are heading onto the football field to play in the Superbowl...missing a helmet.     The 3 faces of a Narcissistic Ex Your narcissist ex will vacillate between 3 personas to suit their agenda: Hero Aggressor  Victim.    1. The Hero This is the ex who pretends to be accommodating.   This is to...

You may not know this about me, but I too was in a custody battle. When my son was 13, just before his Bar Mitzvah, I learned that my ex had a girlfriend. I was shocked... but not surprised. There were several times that I suspected infidelity. The marriage had been hanging on by a thread for many years but I was trying to...

Is your ex spreading negative nonsense about you? To anyone who will listen... Including your own kids? If so, he is waging a smear campaign.   What's a smear campaign? Let's just call it negative propaganda designed to damage your reputation. It is your ex's narrative to anyone who will listen chock full of: distortions half-truths vicious lies The smear campaign is part of the playbook for the...

Do you ever wonder if a dog is the answer to all your divorce drama? A cuddly creature to soothe your kids. Puppy balm for the soul.   Today I thought I would revisit a blog from a few years back to give you my take on this. (If you did not know this about me, besides being a badass divorce coach, I was a veterinarian for 24...

Here's a brain bender for you...   A lawyer is as important in your divorce battle, as an oncologist would be in a potential cancer battle.   An ex who behaves like a terrorist Is as malignant As a cancerous tumour in your body.   So when you feel distraught about legal fees, consider what you would pay to have cancer removed from you or your child.   An effective lawyer saves lives. An effective lawyer saves...

For the longest time, I was convinced that I was the "victim" of my husband's infidelity. I was sure that our divorce was 100% on him.   Here was my narrative: I was a good wife, an amazing mom, fit and healthy. I prepared nice meals. I worked part-time and contributed to the family income. I devoted myself to remediating our son who had several developmental challenges.   All...

Did you know I was a veterinarian? Yup. Small animal practice (dogs and cats) for 24 years. I loved it. Why would a vet become a divorce coach? Let's just say I had a "higher" calling. I had a need to share all of my mistakes...and course corrections with the planet. I needed to make sure other people did not step in the same landmines...

I have a pearl of wisdom for you to lean on: focus on fact over fault.  What does this mean? It means stop villainizing your ex, or the court, or your ex's lawyer, or anything outside of yourself. Just describe the facts of the equation. Leave your narrative and the drama out of it. I know - this sounds uncompassionate. There are a million...

The more I coach, the more I see patterns. This appeals to the nerdy scientist in me. Here is my latest discovery: In a high-conflict divorce, your emotions move from fear...to anger...to amusement. As you emotionally mature through these phases, your success on the battlefield will grow stronger. This will propel you to move from high-conflict engagement with your ex to becoming...

Do you ever find yourself watching the couples walking down the street hand-in-hand? Or sit at a restaurant and see a couple totally engaged in conversation, sipping a glass of champagne? Do you have a friend who divorced and moved forward in every way - professionally, emotionally, romantically? A person who has l transformed into a happier, more productive evolved version...

I bet your ex cheated. Mine did too. This is one of the most predictable ingredients of the high-conflict divorce and an integral part of the ex with a personality disorder. What makes it even worse is that he is not remorseful. He may even blame you for his infidelity. I am not a therapist Let's not try to analyze the pathology of all...

I often speak with my clients about their path out of this stinky mess into their dream life. At the very minimum, this means creating self-sufficiency. Self-sufficiency is the foundation of your dream life. The rest of your dream life is up to your imagination. So, run with it! Some of my clients want to create an empire. I have one client who...

If you think your husband owes you more than you are legally entitled to because he was an asshole or because he cheated - you are suffering from Woe is Me Syndrome. This is the starting place for many gals who join my Lifeline Sorority. It is a yucky place to inhabit. Living in Woe is Me Syndrome is like marinating in...

Want to turn down the temperature of your high-conflict divorce? Stop tolerating the BS. Quit tolerating the BS from your kids, the ex, the ex's new partner, your new partner, and the ex's lawyer. If you don't, you will spend most days in a tailspin. Good luck performing at work. You will be pissy around your kids. And your legal fees will be...