January 11, 2021 Stacey Mendelson 0 Comments

Do you ever find yourself reeling from the crazy web of lies that your ex has crafted? Are you suffocating from the legal correspondences full of false accusations? Feeling infuriated by the smear campaign? Today let’s just slow things down a bit to figure out how to deal with all the lies.


1. Understand the reasons they lie

Any unsuspecting healthy individual will be crippled by the lies and false accusation from a terrorist ex. This is a fantastic technique to intimidate you into submission. In addition, if your ex is vindictive, a false narrative like a smear campaign may be used to punish you personally and professionally.

Your ex’s lies are designed to induce fear. This is their strategy to take advantage of you. By creating terror, they will be more likely to coerce you to give in to their demands.

The toxic ex will often create a false narrative about the children. Child safety and the threat of poverty induces the greatest panic.  My ex wrote affidavits filled with lies about the way that I parented our son. Similarly, my son was investigated by the police from an “anonymous” tip that he was being abused by his mother.


2. Expect the lies

Take a step back and be objective about your ex. During the relationship did your ex have a strong moral compass? For instance, was your ex overly critical and disparaging of others? Did your ex blame others for his/her failures? This may have been a fabricated self-serving narrative.

Your ex’s lying shenanigans don’t have to shock you. Was s/he transparent during the relationship? I didn’t think so. Why are you expecting truthful behaviour now?


3. Detach and Ignore

A toxic ex loves drama. Arguing with a lying ex about the realities of a circumstance is like trying to nail Jello to the wall. Don’t bother. The ex’s delusions do not need to be a problem for you.

Step away from a smear campaign and choose to believe that the truth will come out. You don’t need to be the one to dispel the myths. Just lay low and work on Step 4. For the stuff that matters, know that you will have the opportunity and the venue (court or with a custody professional) to set the record straight once you have cleaned up your own thinking.


4. Heal the parts of you that are triggered by the lies

If your ex’s lies are freaking you out, this is where I want you to put most of your effort. Do whatever it takes to clean up your thoughts and up-level your relationship with yourself. For me, this was daily yoga, weekly therapy, and participation in a woo-woo narcissistic abuse recovery  program that was very effective. Above all else, this is your work.

The self evolution that occurs from this work is actually the curriculum of your high-conflict divorce battle. Get to class and be a good student.

Once you have achieved an A in self-love, self-validation, and self-support you are battle-ready. Bring on the litigation. Bring on the custody assessment.

Being unaffected by your ex’s ridiculous narrative is the place where you will make the most strategic decisions. In addition, from this place,  you are more likely to win your battle.