December 30, 2023 Stacey Mendelson 0 Comments

Why is it so hard to divorce my ex?

We, as women, have subconscious beliefs that are contrary to the steps that we need to take to divorce a high-conflict ex. I don’t want to go to courtis one of those beliefs.

We want a fair settlement and a child-focused parenting plan but we are too afraid to do what we need to do to make that happen. This belief I don’t want to go to court will continue to derail our divorce mission until we show our brains how untrue it is.

What are Divorce Derailers?

These are the thoughts that your brain feeds you. Thoughts that undermine your ability to take the action needed to get where you need to go.

Where are we all going? Three places if you are my client: safe physical separation, unscathed kids and a fair financial settlement. If you don’t fix these Divorce Derailers, your divorce journey will be long, drama-filled and expensive.

The most common Divorce Derailer I see

It is some flavour of: I don’t want to go to court.

It may also sound like My ex will be vicious if I start a court proceedingMy lawyer is telling me to go but I just want peace…I don’t have the funds to go to court.

Where does this belief come from?

Your marriage mantra: avoid conflict and just let him/her have his way. Perhaps this was also your mantra in life. Maybe it was indoctrinated by your parents. Nice girls do not make noise. My typical client is a people-pleaser.

Historically, when you had a conflict with your partner, you would resolve it by giving in to what your partner wanted. It was a highly successful strategy to reduce conflict in the marriage, but it did not get you what you wanted. Quite often the problem was not resolved, just extinguished for the interim.

How is this belief not true?

You managed your entire marriage with this belief. It worked. Sort of.

The sensibility of I don’t want to go to court seemed strategic, but look where you are now! Resentful for all your marital sacrifices, and in the trenches of a full-out custody and financial war.

Living in the dogma of I don’t want to go to court will continue this pattern of put-up and shut-up and ends with you getting screwed. It will derail a successful divorce and elongate the process hoping that your ex will be reasonable.

Peace is not the ultimate goal

Think you want peace most of all? You don’t. What you want is fairness. What you want is what is best for your children. And by the way, there is no peace without fairness.

This Divorce Derailer will cost you $$$

Think you want to save money? Avoiding court is not the way to do that. Nothing will waste your money more than waiting years to get your financial settlement. Your ex will be collecting interest on those funds while you wait in the hope that s/he becomes reasonable. Here’s the truth – this divorce will cost you more if you don’t take action. And your chance of getting a fair settlement requires the action of judicial pressure (that means going to court btw🤓)

Having a successful divorce requires the willingness to go to war if you need to. And guess what? Your willingness to go to war is what keeps you off the battlefield.

The best way to avoid court is to march to court

If you are trying to settle with a narcissistic ex, you need to apply the pressure of going to court. So, stop thinking you don’t want to go to court. You do want to go to court. Often the best way to avoid court is to march to court.

There are a whole bunch of other Divorce Derailers that you are believing.

Join me in the Lifeline Sorority where we debunk all these thoughts that are standing in the way of your win. Happy New Year Divorce Warrior. Let’s get it done in 2024.