I bet your ex cheated. Mine did too.
This is one of the most predictable ingredients of the high-conflict divorce and an integral part of the ex with a personality disorder.
What makes it even worse is that he is not remorseful. He may even blame you for his infidelity.
I am not a therapist
Let’s not try to analyze the pathology of all of this…let’s just agree on 2 things:
- you were a door matt and that did not remedy the situation – in fact, it promoted it
- there is a harmful residue of trauma that may need to be unpacked in a therapeutic setting.
The purpose of this post is not to study the origins of your ex’s infidelity and the tremendous impact it has on you personally. I spent years removing the shrapnel of my ex’s infidelity and understanding both his pathology and my role in this dysfunction. I don’t have the qualifications to take you on this journey if it is one you are meant to take. But, I will suggest you take it if you feel anger so poisonous that it is impacting your ability to move forward or your children’s relationship with their other parent.
But…I am a coach!
As I coach here is what I can do for you:
I can determine what your happily-ever-after would look like and determine the quickest, most efficient path to get you there. I will help you navigate the obstacles on the path and give you the skills you need to divorce like a boss.
Nobody’s happily-ever-after involves lamenting about their’s ex’s infidelity or feeling wounded. Do you want to marinate in a sea of hatred and resentment? I didn’t think so.
Nobody wants to live in a place where they feel so much venom toward their ex that they are under the microscope for things like alienation or slander.
Everybody’s happily-ever-after is to live joyfully and peacefully disentangled from their ex. No drama. Clean of accusations of alienation.
Are you being unfairly accused of alienation?
If you are being accused of alienating behaviour, you need to ask yourself this:
- Is there any truth to these complaints?
- Is there anything that I am thinking or doing that might be creating a rift between the children and their other parent?
If your ex cheated – there is a chance that you have enough unprocessed anger to unconsciously be influencing your children.
I am not suggesting that your ex isn’t creating relationship problems with the kids himself. But, are you thinking anything that might be contributing to this? Something like:
He doesn’t deserve a relationship with the kids because he blew up the family.
The action out of this mess
One of the skills that will keep you clean of alienation is to sort the crap that your ex has done that makes him an unfit parent.
- refusal to use a car seat
- no permanent residence
- alcohol or drug use
- disparaging behaviour or exposing the children to the conflict
Notice all of these things are physical and emotional safety issues. These are the things you need to deal with aggressively with the judge or PC.
Also, notice that infidelity did not make the list of what constitutes an unfit parent. If you want to be compelling in court and to any parenting assessor – leave the infidelity out of it and focus on the safety issues.
The infidelity issue is not an issue for the courts. If you bring it to court, it will dilute the important stuff and thus hinder your credibility as a litigant. This will impair your ability to successfully advocate for your children.
The infidelity issue is one to solve outside the court with an effective (trauma) therapist and coach. The price of ignoring this issue is very high – it impacts your daily peace, your children’s relationship with their other parent, as well as any future romantic relationship for you.