At some point in your high-conflict divorce battle, you may just need to throw in the towel.
Wave the white flag.
Discontinue the fight.
Give in to exactly what your ex has been demanding.
Stop thwarting the inevitable 50/50.
This is your choice
If you make the choice to discontinue the battle – first acknowledge that it was a choice. Your choice.
It may not be your first choice, but at the time you make this choice – it trumps continuing the battle. And that is ok. That is a good enough reason to choose this.
Own that this was your choice. This matters because if you keep telling yourself that you had no choice, you will be perpetually in victim mode. It is ok to choose to throw in the towel. It often is the lesser of the evils, and you get to exercise your agency in choosing your poison. Understanding that you are choosing will help you feel less victimized and more empowered.
No beating yourself up
You have probably fought for years in the family law forum. Choosing to throw in the towel is not your cue to beat the crap out of yourself. It is your opportunity to acknowledge everything that you have done to advocate for yourself and your children. It is your opportunity to step up and have your own back.
Nothing good will come of lamenting about your decision to throw in the towel. Nothing good comes of beating yourself up. Take a weekend to lick your wounds and then start to figure out how to embrace the new normal.
Choose better, not bitter
How do you want to show up in the new parenting arrangement? Bitter or better? I promise you that harboring anger and bitterness will only make you suffer – not your ex. And your kids will suffer by osmosis.
Blaming your ex, the system, your lawyer, your ex’s lawyer will keep you in a state of victimhood. Give yourself a window of time to be pissed, then leave it all behind. This is your opportunity to start the absolutely required journey toward self-partnering. The first steps are radical acceptance, owning all of your results, and seeking a path to help you recover.
The ultimate win, even when you throw in the towel, is to adapt and overcome. Please use this extra time without your kids to devote to your own recovery and development. This is work worth doing because after the battle you will be woefully depleted.
You will get through this
This moment in time, when you throw in the towel and spend a few days reeling, is just a sliver of your life. Please believe deep down that you will get through this. And if you have trouble believing this, please borrow my belief in you. I know that you can do hard things like throwing in the towel. So keep going, my friend. You’ve got this.