Have you ever considered what emotions you experience most during the day? If you are one of my divorce coaching clients, I would guess they are: scared, anxious and frustrated. What if I told you that you can start feeling better today?

I know, you believe it is everything around you that is making you upset. Your ex husband, the custody order, the kids. You think that it is what other people are saying and doing that is causing your pain.

Here is the truth…you are the one creating these feelings inside of you. This is not meant as a criticism or blame, just and attempt to open your mind to the possibility that you don’t have to live at the affect of everything around you.

You have the power to start feeling better in 3 easy steps.

Step 1: Do a thought download

To start feeling better you need to figure out why you are feeling terrible in the first place. This exercise will shine a light on this. If you prefer video instructions have a peak here.

In a nutshell, a thought download to take everything out of your brain and dump it onto a sheet of paper so that you can really take a look. This is what I call brain hygiene.Think about cleaning out your purse or your closet. You need to dump the contents to see what is inside and then deliberately decide what you want to keep.

It looks like this: Take a blank sheet of paper and 10 uninterrupted minutes. Get everything that is yucky in your head onto the paper. Write down all of your problems. If you get stuck here are some questions that will probe you:

  • what is bothering you?
  • what don’t you like about yourself?
  • what are you worried about?
  • what scares you right now?
  • what are you struggling with?
  • what is hurting you?

Step 2: Separate the facts from the thoughts

Have a read through your thought download and underline or highlight all of the facts. Facts are 100% provable in a court of law. They are not opinions or beliefs, and everyone in the world would agree that they are true. Chances are, you have very few facts and mostly thoughts or beliefs written on your page. To see a video on how this is done, click here.

Step 3: Pick a painful thought and run a model

The self coaching model is the best way to identify and solve your problems that are causing you to feel terrible. This is like shining a light into a dark closet. The model will illustrate the feeling that the thought is generating for you. Whether you are aware of it or not, that feeling is driving your actions and creating the results that you are currently experiencing. Once we can see the thought generating the painful feeling and resultant behaviours, we can start to work toward changing it.

The best way to see the model in action is here.

There are 5 components of the model (CTFAR) that need to be filled in:

Circumstance Put the distilled-down facts of your problem using no adjectives or opinions.

Thought  Write down the most painful phrase you have in your brain about the circumstance (your story about the facts).

Feeling A single word to describe the vibration you fee when you think that thought.

Action When you feel that way what do you do? How do you behave?

Result What effect do these actions have on you and your life experience?

I practice what I preach

I really have come to believe that the unmanaged mind is the cause of our misery and suffering. Every morning I do my little worksheet with a thought download and 3 models. I don’t save them, I just want to keep my brain clean. Sometimes my models are about you, dear readers. I too have worries about my clients and I need to clean up my own thoughts to be an effective coach for you.

If you would like to join me in a daily routine of brain hygiene, send me a note and I will send you a worksheet. You can learn to manage your mind 3 easy steps. Consider it a gym membership for your mind.