Many of my clients spend a huge portion of their day sitting in fear, frustration and confusion. Sound familiar?

Today I am going to teach you how to generate the feeling of self confidence.  Self confidence is the secret sauce to success in your divorce and in life. It will fuel you and help you show up as the best client to your lawyer and the best parent to your children.

What self confidence is not

Self confidence is not a talent and is not inherited. Self confidence does not come from previous experience. Most people think that self confidence comes from being good at something, but let me ask you this:  how could you become good at something if you lack the confidence to try it?

What self confidence means

Self confidence is actually an emotion that you can create with your mind. There is no need to feel competent at something to show up with self confidence. That is great news, because most of us don’t have previous experience testifying in court or undergoing a custody assessment.

The secret to generating self confidence

There are 2 components to generating self confidence:

  1. being willing to feel negative emotions like defeat, humiliation, judgement or failure
  2. deciding in advance to have your own back regardless of the outcome

If you firmly adhere to these 2 guiding principles, you can feel self confident about anything you want to accomplish. Keep reading to understand what this really looks like.

Be willing to experience negative emotions

So many of us don’t try new things for fear that we may fail, experience humiliation or embarrassment. In other words, we fail before we even try. Self confidence admits we don’t know how to do everything but we can try anyway, because we know how to handle these uncomfortable emotions. It tells us that we can figure things out, and of course we will fail, and that is totally fine. It is just part of learning and becoming more competent.

One thing you can do is to rehearse this what it would be like to try something and experience a negative emotion. Go there in your mind. Imagine what it would feel like to try something, fail and be judged. Notice the people who are judging you. Are they your friends who have your back? They are probably  people that you don’t even like.  They are certainly not the people who support you no matter what.

Be your own safe place to land

To be self confident, you must know that you will not, under any circumstances, beat yourself up on the other side of trying. Really commit to having your own back. Know that you can count on yourself to be that soft place to land. Don’t make your failure mean anything about you except that you have chosen to live bravely.

Self confidence exudes positivity

Self confident people have positive thoughts about themselves and this creates positive thoughts towards others. It means embracing all of the parts of who you currently are, including your short comings. Self confident people don’t need to put others down or judge others to feel good about themselves. Self confident people are joyful to be around. This creates such a healthy model for your kids to see.

The gift of self confidence to your children

The best gift you can give your kids (and your lawyer) is a healthy parent with self confidence. You can show up as a leader in your house, and this will help your kids relax. Willingness to accept yourself and all of your inadequacies will teach your children how to live without the burden of perfectionism. Generate self confidence to recognize your own intrinsic value and worth without linking it to your accomplishments.