Want to get better results in your divorce battle? Keep a close eye on your feelings and learn to govern them. Technically, this is known as emotional regulation. Once you learn this skill, you can use your feelings a fuel in divorce.

The way that you feel at any given moment will drive how you behave and how you show up. Ultimately that will have the greatest effect on your legal battle.

Since feelings drive actions, I am going to categorize feelings according to the traffic we would want to be stuck in.

Red light feelings


It is pretty easy to feel angry in the trenches of a high-conflict divorce. Angry comes from thoughts like s/he should do that. Angry comes from having a manual for your ex and your ex’s lawyer. Taking action from a feeling of anger results in non-strategic behaviour. Take a breath and move toward green before you act!


This is probably the most common feeling for those in a custody battle. It comes from thoughts like I may lose my kids, the GAL/assessor/judge may believe my ex. Fear causes us to take non-strategic action. It causes us to behave in a way that makes us look creepy, desperate and controlling.

Yellow light feeling


When you think this isn’t fair you will feel victimized. Why does this even matter? It matters because when you feel victimized, you take no forward action. You just spin, lament, ruminate, stress, rinse, repeat. No serious harm done but nothing accomplished to reach your divorce goals. Victimization creates “stuckdom”.

Green light feelings


So many people think that confidence is some inherited trait, but really, it is just a feeling, and like all feelings, it is created by your thoughts. Thoughts like I have a 100% track record in figuring shit out or I am the best possible advocate on the planet for my child. Confidence creates amazing behaviour and actions such as preparing for your custody assessment and really showing up and advocating for your child without disparaging your ex.


You actually can create calm within yourself during your divorce battle by intentionally practicing thoughts like this is my child’s unique journey and nothing has gone wrong here. When your kid comes back from your ex and gives you the middle finger, this is a great time to practice one of these thoughts. Your unmanaged brain will create anger. Redirect your thoughts to create a feeling of calm and watch yourself handle this blip like a boss.

You may think that managing your feelings during the divorce battle is not important. Think again. Consider your feelings and emotional regulation the secret sauce to success.