January 4, 2022 Stacey Mendelson 0 Comments

I am going to guess that your top goal for 2022 is a fair settlement both in terms of parenting and financially. You don’t want to rape anyone or win, you just want what you are legally entitled to.

So why are you concocting crazy deals that prejudice you? Why are you prepared to walk away from what is rightfully yours? Why can’t you just ask for what you want?

Because you don’t think you can get it.

Many women don’t believe they can just ask for what they want and just get it. Instead, there is an endemic belief amongst us females: I am not going to get what I want.

This struggle model shows up in 2 different flavours, both with the same result of you not getting what you want – namely a fair settlement.

Defeated model

This is when you come to a conversation or a negotiation believing you cannot get what you really want. You feel defeated before even asking.

I can’t ask for primary parenting time because the Assessor will think I am controlling.

So if you do actually ask, you are indirect, defensive, and very busy justifying why you should have this. This energy is coercive, manipulative and creepy. Guess how this plays out?

You don’t get what you want.

Prickly model

This is when you think you can’t get what you want unless you show up with pissed-off frustrated energy. You come to the discussion ready to have a fight and inadvertantly antagonize the person on the receiving end.

Bitchy. Like a bull in a china shop. This approach too will often result in not getting what you want.


Getting what you want

Until you learn how to communicate to get what you want, you will be the underdog in any negotiation.

Your chance of getting a fair settlement relies on establishing a reasonable position, communicating clearly, directly, and in service to those around you. Ask for what you want in the way it best serves others, not yourself.

This is exactly the skill we hone in my Lifeline Sorority.

Think about this the next time you speak to a third party who is going to weigh in on parenting time or anything custody-related. Being indirect and coercive is repellent. It results in a poor assessment. Be clear in knowing what is best for your child and ask for it with conviction. You do not need to convince anyone if you are entirely convinced and comfortable with your position.

I believe it is in Johnny’s best interest to spend Monday to Friday with me. He struggles to get ready for school and this has always been my role in the morning. Dad leaves for work early and does most of his parenting on the weekends. This schedule will have the least impact on Johnny as it will be consistent with what has occurred for the last 10 years.

Your thoughts become your results

Your probability of getting what you want is affected by what you are thinking when you ask.

When you think there is no way that you can achieve this result, you won’t.

If you think your ex is an asshole who won’t agree to therapy, chances are he won’t agree. Your request for therapy will be covered in the residue of this thought, and it will not serve you. I saw this recently with my client who was getting nothing but “nos” until we cleaned up her high-conflict thoughts.

Patience, strategic positioning, conviction and speaking in service of others will increase your chances of the desired outcome.Your thoughts will directly influence your outcome.

Cleaning up these high-conflict thoughts is the magical skill that will get you the fair settlement that you want and deserve. Learn how to do exactly this in the company of other Warrior Moms in the battle in my Lifeline Sorority.