Are you expecting family court to right all the ways you were wronged?

If so…you are embarking on a journey that will be full of disappointment and unnecessary suffering. The most magical thing I can promise you is that you don’t have to get even to win. Promise.

The thought that will trip you up

Here are the phrases that will trip you up every time:

• it’s not fair 
• s/he always wins

This thought creates feelings of anger and resentment. Those emotions will limit your ability to access your logical brain. That puts you in a weak negotiating position. Never go into mediation with this mantra. If you are seeking revenge, you may as well dig two graves.

Who can right the wrongs?

Not your attorney or mediator. Not the judge and not the family court system. The only person who can provide emotional justice is you. It must come from within.

The circumstances and events that led up to your divorce were dominated by emotional injuries. This has a traumatic impact. Expecting your ex to come clean and heal these wounds is a poor bet. Same with the judicial system. This is a job for only you – this is your divorce curriculum.

This is your work. Don’t delegate it to your lawyer or the judge. This is work worth doing and there is no recipe.

Do everything in your power to process and reconcile what has occurred. This is legitimate trauma and the only way past it is through it. Hire the best therapist you can or an emotional healing coach.  Do abuse recovery programs. Consider yoga or meditation. Learn about post-traumatic growth.

All of these modalities were part of my healing journey. Becoming a divorce coach was the final element. I can honestly say I have no anger, resentment, bitterness or sadness. Actually, I truly believe everything happened exactly as it was supposed to.

How to win without getting even

Settling a divorce is a business transaction. Your only focus needs to be on what you need for your happily ever after. It has nothing to do with what your ex does or does not get.

Winning is about achieving your happily ever after. Period.

Winning is about cutting a cancer out of your life and moving on. You are a winner when you have eradicated the tumour.

Winning is about maintaining a beautiful relationship with your children. Keeping them physically and emotionally safe.

You do not need your ex to demonstrate accountability for you to win. You never did. Seek that validation inside yourself.